Fortunate

I've always thought of it as my "Here I am..." moment. Have to come up with a better name for it, it's so vitally important.

Very difficult to put into words, what essentially is a feeling, an awareness. A frequently but briefly experienced 'state'.

I am trying to describe certain moments I have most days, most of my.life, since childhood. It can happen anywhere, anytime, no matter what's happening within or about me. Happy, unhappy. Good times or bad. No recognizable pattern, this moment happens spontaneously, always a surprise, but also always welcome.

What it always feels like physically...it's like an extra light switch is clicked on from somewhere, everything seeming brighter, more illuminated, clearer. My thoughts in fact seem crystal clear, in a way different from usual. Uncluttered, slower.

At the same moment it feels like my entire mind is overrun with a particular awareness: here I am, in my life. In the light. An awareness of self from an objective view, as if I am also witnessing my reality as it's happening...and it's really a feeling of being blessed, being lucky, "Here I am, I've been gifted this life." 

The sensation is one of gratitude, of awe, I think about how miraculous it is that I have a beating heart and functioning brain. Because, in my own personal case, some very long odds were beat for me to be here, or anywhere. 

Basically, I most probably shouldn't be here. Both of my parents lost their entire big families to the murderous Nazis. My father and mother were sole survivors, my mom managing to survive a horrific eternity in Auschwitz. So you see, I shouldn't even exist. 

But these remarkable parents of mine did make it, and I am given a life, and brought to America, 1955. How luckier could I be? 

This precious time in the light, that for some unknowable reason I have been given, is a bonus over both history and evil, a triumph of human determination over abject tyranny. 

I am only filled with gratitude, considering the unlikelihood of my existance.

These almost daily moments of strangely higher self-awareness fade after awhile, back into the hour's busy distractions and momentary demands. 

But, there's always a fortunate reset of mood or perspective remaining, as my soul- or something inside- is left smiling and renewed each time, lucky to be alive.