Dilemma of Faith

Don't like God. You read it right. There is no Commandment to like God. Love, fear, and remain in awe of God exclusively, yes, for all this existence we most affectionately call the Universe. 

But, there's much about God that only frustrates me with shrouded unknowing. God won't reveal, confirm, or prove the idea of a Creator. Instead, we are told to believe. Faith. Believing that which isn't empirically proven or verified. So far, no trace of God's face, or much insight into God's nature. I don't like not knowing. Simply deciding to believe isn't at all satisfactory to me. That idea only leaves me unfulfilled, seeking as before what is true, what is false.

I don't like God for being so inconsistent. Save the Jews with Moses, desert the Jews of Europe WWII, and everyone else lost in all the world's many wars. God allows suffering of innocents with no explanation. 

There are countless more examples down thru history. Terrible evil wins every day all around us, and good is trampled by random tragedy and disaster. 

I don't like God because the Bible is offered as the answer to all. Not the Upanishads, the Bhagavad Gita, or other texts that predate the Torah and New Testament by millenniums.

But, let's summarize: God has always existed, is all-knowing, all-powerful. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are actually all God, with an elaborate rationale for a Trilogy deity structure, all of which came well after Jesus' Crucifixion, making it seem like a Church idea. For me, incomprehensible; only wish I understood it all better, or was persuaded by the concept. My lack of understanding also doesn't mean it isn't precisely correct.

Yaway of the Torah is very angry at us, allows suffering, and purposely harms people in jealous vengeance. Finally, God also causes mass death to almost everything on Earth by a flood.

Pretty violent, catastrophic stuff, all for bad behavior. Do we kill our kids when they misbehave? I don't like God's useless and enduring intrigue, God's dubious lack of self-confirmation, and God's fickle, arbitrary judgements- i.e., the entire story of God vs Devil, the Big Battle for human souls. If an all-powerful God really exists, this narrative makes no sense whatsoever. It is beyond reason and order, while unassuming logic sticks in the throat of 'just believing'. I'm told I cannot understand via reason or logic. Can we never know our true fate on Earth? More mystery discourages faith, while entrenched enigmas remain giant boulders blocking the path of understanding. Doesn't God want to be known? Either God is truly all-powerful, or it's all just game-playing, or manipulating humanity. Why? All this suffering just to develop human free will? What God does that? I don't like that I understand so little about God.

I don't like the God of the Torah, while the New Testament raises more questions than God ever answers. My friends who care about me- and their beliefs about my soul and eternity- I do love them all back. Stop thinking, stop asking, stop wondering- just believe, they say! Believe, be happy! 

Yet, no one has outlined to me why God creates or allows a civilization of pain for the good folks, gold for the evil villains, and no explanation for inequity. And, I also have no explanation for how all of this happened without a Grand Designer.

While I, in my own way, honor the first Commandment- and the rest of them in my daily life, as an imperfect sinner every moment, every breath, every new day still asking too much, still wanting to know, and yet even that motivation is for me a personal mystery of unknown origin. My dear believer friends may sincerely claim the Devil drives my indefatigable curiosity. Paradoxically, when I consider the unimaginably immense love and grace of God, I completely understand- and feel- the rapturous celebration of devotion for beloved gurus, Saints, prophets, and Messiah.

Even without answers, I do love, fear, worship, and exclaim God thru this wondrous world; but, like God? No. Perpetually clueless, less than microscopic in the vast cosmos, how can I?